I'm Only Mortal
by Darkmoonphase
Summary: Sasori doesn't understand why Deidara would leave him. Why was he dead? Where did he go? Overcome by grief, Sasori must find a way to move on. -AU-
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**I was bored. Don't kill me.  
**

**--  
**

**I'm Only Mortal**

_Summary: I swear I can see him when I close my eyes. He's always standing right there, just out of my reach. And it hurts so much to know that I can never touch him again. He's just an illusion cast by my pained mind. DEATH FIC AND IT'S NOT SASORI WHO DIED!_

--

I swear I can see him when I close my eyes. He's always standing right there, just out of my reach. And it hurts so much to know that I can never touch him again. He's just an illusion cast by my pained mind. But at least he hasn't left yet. He's still with me in some form. I can't keep my eyes closed forever, though. I have to open them again sometime. While he'd been lying on his deathbed, he'd told me to get on with life if he didn't make it. What a stupid request. I couldn't do that. I just couldn't. He was my life. He still is.

Today, I got flowers. Daisies, to be exact, because they were his favorite flower. I'm sure he appreciates my memory. I walk to the cemetery, where the wind picks at my clothes and hair, trying to blow petals off the bouquet. I cup the flowers with one of my hands, blocking the wind from them. You know, I can't really remember when I started doing this. I know it was sometime after his death, but I don't really remember when because it's just a habit. It's something I can't escape. Not that I want to.

I step into the cemetery, picking my way past all the graves. I have respect for the dead. I hate walking all over them.

What hurts the most is that no one knows how he died. Only he does. I chuckled darkly. And he took that secret to the grave with him. No one knows if it was suicide or murder. I hate to think that it was suicide. I'd been keeping him alive. Had I been doing a bad job at it? Is that why he took his life? Maybe he didn't though. Someone must have been killed him. If someone did, it was probably Tobi – his personal stalker. Where was the justice in this world? Gone. It disappeared when humanity became mortal.

I sigh as I reach his grave. The wind's getting dust in the words. I reach over and start brushing the dirt away. His name must be seen. And known; no one should forget this soul. I smile in satisfaction when I can read his name. The dates make me a little sad. But he's not dead. He's just sleeping. He's in a sleep that he'll never wake up from. I hope that his dreams are blissful. I glance down to make sure that I'm not standing directly on his grave. I step to the side as I gently set the flowers down in front of the cold stone.

The sun's slowly sinking behind the ragged hills just beyond the graveyard. The chilly wind picks at me again and I wrap my jacket closer around me. I'd always noticed how it was colder when I stepped into the cemetery than it was outside of it. Even passing it, the wind seemed unnaturally cold. It doesn't scare me like it used to though. This was my home away from home anyway. I should be used to it. I glance around the surrounding area. There are eight graves around his. Two of the people in them died of natural causes. The world wasn't right when you saw three headstones in one area that said 2000-2003 'Murdered'.

"You're missing so much," I whisper, trying to fend off the disturbing air that was slowly creeping up on me from behind. I start telling him what happened that day, what happened yesterday – since I hadn't had a chance to come here. When I'm finished, the wind picks up a little, whistling in my ears. The rest of the graveyard is silent. "I miss you so much…Why did you have to go like that?" I didn't usually give into my pain so easily. I hadn't whined like this since the first week after his death. "It isn't fair! There was so much that you haven't experienced – that _we_ haven't experienced!" Tears slowly start rolling down my cheeks and I inhale sharply.

_Deidara…_

No, this wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he had died and I'd only gotten a few broken bones. It wasn't fair that all my friends told me that they were glad I was alive like they didn't care about his death. It wasn't fair that the other driver had been killed and her passenger was still alive. It wasn't fair that we had to watch the people we cared most about being taken out of the cars and then covered with a white sheet, pronounced dead on the spot. It wasn't fair that the passenger had killed himself days later. But then the saying "Life isn't fair" kicks in and I know it's true. Life is out to get everyone. Everyone has to get hurt at least once, some more painfully than others.

Deidara never did anything though. I had never done anything. Our friends were innocent. Had karma made a mistake with his death? He hadn't done anything to deserve death. I hadn't done anything to deserve this pain. This pain that feels like it's ripping me apart from the inside out like a black hole. It started in the chest, sucking in all of my joy and love and then it spread, taking everything except pain with it. And now I feel like one big black hole. Sucking the joy out of everything and replacing it with pain and misery. And yet, the pain is still tearing at me. It's ripping at me and clawing, gnawing on my happiness. What's left of it anyway.

But deep down, in a safe that couldn't be penetrated, I knew that this really was okay. I knew because he was gone from here – this place that captured a soul and fed on their pain. He must be in a happy place. I almost feel jealous. He's okay and I'm still here, suffering more than before. I can't be mad at him though. As long as he really is okay…

I start sobbing. I can't help it. It hurts so badly. He's gone. And there's no bringing him back. I'm absolutely alone. There's no one else to help me through this. All of my friends have someone with them. My family doesn't understand; they just pity me and Deidara's family. Even his family shafts me. I wonder if they think it's my fault that he's dead. Because it's not. I tried to stop it.

The sun sets. I feel both blind and numb. It's dark and I can't cry anymore. I think I'm out of tears. I gasp for air, trying to get some feeling back into my body. I glance out of the corner of my eye. There he is. He's giving me the most disapproving look I've ever received. I close my eyes, trying to ignore what I hope is an illusion. I open my eyes again and he's still standing there, this time shaking his head.

I step back and run for the entrance of the cemetery. This was the first time I was scared here. It almost felt wrong to be scared in such a sacred place. But I was. It was cold and icy. When I was out of the graveyard, and looking back, I wondered if I was ever going be able to visit Deidara again. Didn't he want me there? Or was he trying to reinforce his deathbed request? I couldn't be sure. I let out a shaky breath. I needed to go back again tomorrow. I couldn't live without knowing that Deidara's grave was okay. That he was okay.

Because I wasn't okay. After all…I'm only mortal. And mortals experience nothing but pain and misery, injustice and hate. I was never going to be okay.

--

_**A/N: Deidara death fic. How many of those are out there? Hang on and I'll check. There's, like, none that I can find. (If I'm wrong, go ahead and correct me.) Yeah, I rule and that's all there is to it.**_

_**I'm emo. Deal with it. Sorry it's so short. But I could only extend it so much!**_

_**I'm getting back to my other stories. Promise. I just couldn't resist writing this. And since it's a oneshot, I can get away with it. :)  
**_

_**Please review.**_


	2. Behind

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof.**

**--  
**

**I'm Only Mortal**

**Behind**

**--**

_**A/N: I don't know how many people caught it, but I did when I read it later. I was totally and utterly tired when I finished and posted this story. I felt like such a moron when I saw my mistake. To cover it up and make up for it, I'm doing a back story so no one can criticize me for it. Though I probably need it to snap me back into reality. God, I feel so stupid…**_

_**This part's in Deidara's POV. Um…Yeah…It's in italics because he's dead and it's half memory. It would have been more complicated if I'd done it in Sasori's POV…**_

--

_I never really thought of the ways I could die. I was always sure that I was either going to blow up or die in my sleep. I was so wrong. _

_--_

_Tobi used to be just a friend. And then I found Sasori. As we slowly started to realize that our relationship was going somewhere farther than a friendship, so did Tobi. I'd never thought that he'd liked me as anything more than a friend because I didn't think of him that way. He hated me for loving someone else. He vowed that I'd get my justice someday. It hurt to lose a friend like that. It was scary to think that maybe he wasn't lying. And yet, I almost completely forgot about it all because Sasori was with me. _

_He was everything I needed. As I slowly started sinking into depression at the loss of my friend, he slowly started pulling me back out. He'd tell me it wasn't my fault. He'd tell me everything was okay. Of course, I believed him. I did because he had the kind of voice that made you believe everything he told you, even if it was lies. I didn't believe they were lies though. He wouldn't do that._

_My other friends were happy for us. Zetsu quickly took advantage of the fact that Tobi was detached from my arm. I felt like everything was going to be alright. __Really __alright. It helped that Sasori told me this constantly as well. _

_I never got to thank him for keeping me so happy…_

_When Zetsu and Tobi just disappeared, I felt myself sinking again. Sasori didn't give up. Neither did I, but it still hurt. Tobi, my best friend, gone and I don't know where he went. My other friends didn't really even notice. They didn't like Tobi anyway. I bet they were happy. It took me awhile to keep myself out of the dark depths of misery, thanks to Sasori. When I finally stopped struggling, I realized that he was worried. He wouldn't tell me why. He kept telling me that everything was alright. But he was hiding something. Something that I should have seen when we got together. _

_I never saw it coming. By the time I figured out what was going on, it was too late. I completely regret the lack of time to tell Sasori how much I love him. I should have told him before we got into the car, like I always did. But I hadn't. _

_And I still regret making him wonder if I love him or not…_

_I don't remember where we were going, but we were in a hurry. Sasori always folded his legs when he sat. I told him it was the weirdest thing. It saved his life. We were going down a main highway when I saw him. Tobi. I was so happy. Unfortunately, he saw me too. He swerved, started going the wrong direction. Started coming toward us. I needed to get out of the way. And there wasn't enough time. Sasori tried to swerve for me._

_Maybe this was impulse, what you're supposed to do for someone you care a lot about right before you die. I'm not sure. I grabbed his hands and shoved them away from the wheel, fumbling to unbuckle my seatbelt. He was screaming. Tobi's car and mine collided just as I reached over and covered him. _

_There was a lot of pain. And Sasori's sobbing. It hurt, but I felt good. If Sasori was crying, that meant that he was still alive. There was glass in my side and arms from when the windows had broken. My legs were crushed. I'm pretty sure my spine had snapped as well. "Sasori, if I don't live, please, please get on with your life, un…" I'd muttered in his ear, desperate for him to understand that I didn't want him to mourn too long. I used my last breath, my last heartbeat. After that, there wasn't anymore physical pain because I was gone. _

_I watched what happened after that from the sidelines. I didn't have anywhere to go yet. Tobi did. He went straight to the "station"(1), waiting for the next "train"(2). There wasn't one for him. If there was, it was one to a life full of shit. And he totally deserved it. _

_I watched several cars stop to avoid another wreck. Someone was calling nine-one-one. Someone started screaming that there were two survivors. My heart leapt. Sasori was still alive. People helped Sasori and Zetsu out. Zetsu broke down before Sasori. The shock seemed to wear off for him before my boyfriend. _

_Police and paramedics arrived. The highway was shutdown. It looked like absolute mayhem. My body was dragged from the car; Tobi from his. We were pronounced dead. It was true, but the look on Sasori's face when he heard this made me wish it wasn't. He looked horrified, hurt, betrayed. And I couldn't fix it. I couldn't make him happy. _

_I regret never telling him how much I appreciate his care…_

_Finally, Sasori broke down. He was sitting by our wrecked car, a broken leg…arm…two ribs…bleeding…Paramedics had to fight him to get onto the stretcher. He kept screaming that he wasn't leaving me. I felt like crying. "Sasori…" I wanted to say. "Stop. I'm not there anymore, un. It's useless to keep fighting for my corpse…" He didn't stop. The paramedics eventually got him strapped down and in the ambulance. _

_What I regret most is that I never told him that I'd die for him. At least he would have seen it coming then…_

_Even in the hospital, his family crying and telling him that they're glad he was okay, he insisted that I was buried. My family and his complied. They had a nice funeral. One I would've cried at. What made me sick is that Tobi got the same treatment, a nice burial with a pretty little headstone. But they didn't know. No one but I knew._

_Sasori insisted on hurting himself. When his bones were healed, four weeks later, he came to see me. He told me that he'd felt like a baby the first week of my death, crying and sobbing and screaming that life wasn't fair. What he didn't know was that I would've have done the exact same thing if the situation had been reversed. He told me that Zetsu had committed suicide about three days after I'd died. Now I really was the only one who knew what happened. Even Sasori didn't know if I hadn't swerved on purpose or if I hadn't because I'd known it wouldn't make a difference. It wasn't like he'd known my intentions. _

_It hurts to see him so upset…_

_I'm dead. I know that, Sasori knows that. And yet he comes to see me everyday. He talks to me – tells me of things that I'm missing. I listen. But I can't take it. Today he came and started whining about how he missed me and how things weren't fair. He was telling me of things that I already knew and that I regretted! It was so painful. I trusted him. He opened his mind enough and saw me standing there. I think I scared him away. _

_And I experienced the most malevolence feeling ever. I hoped I did. I didn't want him to come back. He was hurting himself. As much as I enjoyed seeing him everyday, I knew that it was killing him slowly. I wanted him to get over me. _

_But, of course, he was only mortal. And I was the one thing his life had revolved around. He wasn't ever going to let go. _

_The sick thing is, I'm almost glad that he won't. I want him to get over me, yes. But I need him just as much as he needs me. And __I__ won't ever let __him __go. _

--

_**A/N: I fixed my mistake in one short little chapter! I'm happy. I technically fixed two mistakes. I found one awhile later too. But it's all fixed and I even made one reviewers request happen. **_

_**Wow. Even with the back story, this doesn't make it a happy ending. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that it makes the story worse. Not in a bad way, in a malevolence way. And that's the best way ever! Uh…kidding. **_

"_**Station" and "train" is how I think of the afterlife. I'm so sick of seeing shit about heaven and hell. It could be because I don't believe in it, but it's also really overused. So I'll explain my theory in short: (1)the station is where you wait to get assigned your next life. The (2)train is what takes you to the next life. If you're not finished in this life, you can stay until you think the unsolved has been solved. That's my theory. It's easier to explain with "station" and "train", don't you think? So that's what I meant when I said that Tobi had already gone to the station. **_

_**Please review.**_


End file.
